The Webworld Stargate

Little Wonders
A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic by
Wolfen Moondaughter

Rating: R
Pairings: McShep, plus a small smattering of Ronon/Teyla
Genres: Friendship, Angst, Romance, Pre-Slash (which turns to Slash by the end, though not graphic), Humour, Hurt/Comfort, Character Death (just mentions of canon)
Summary: When McKay is befriended by a strange young girl, Sheppard gains new insight to the mind of the physicist. But will that insight be enough to keep Rodney from going over the edge after suffering a terrible loss?
Spoilers: through "Sunday", with a tiiiiiny, inconsequential spoiler for "First Strike". Also, spoliers for the film It's a Wonderful Life.
Length: 14 chapters + Epilogue, about 30,357 words (around 75 pages in Word) *faints*
Notes: Fic named for a song by Rob Thomas. AU after the events in "Sunday". Oh, and it should be noted that while aspects of this story bear resemblance to a small part of the Stargate Atlantis novel The Chosen, it's entirely a coincidence, as I didn’t even start reading that novel until *after* I'd written the first nine chapters of this fic ... I should also confess that, as of this writing, I'm still kind of new to the fandom -- I mean, I've seen the show on and off since it first began, but I didn’t start watching it with real regularity (or my full attention) until very recently. So forgive me if I've missed some critical continuity issue! ^_^; (*Story originally posted June 5th, 2007, minor edits made Nov 7th, 2007*) ....
Feedback: You may post feedback to this fic either at LiveJournal, Wraithbait, or by .
DISCLAIMER: Rodney McKay, John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Carson Beckett, Radek Zelenka, Elizabeth Weir, Katie Brown, Kate Heightmeyer, Samantha Carter, and Stargate Atlantis ©/TM Stargate (II) Productions, The SCI FI Channel, Showtime/Viacom, Sony/MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This is not a licensed story, and no profit is being made from them by the author. Song lyrics to "Don't Bring Me Down" by Jeff Lynn/Electric Light Orchestra. Song lyrics to "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas.

If you've reached this fic from outside my site, please visit The Webworld Stargate for more of my fanworks.

Jump to Chapter: 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / Epilogue

~ Chapter One: First Impressions ~

(Author's note: This story begins just a few days after the Athosians were evacuated from their homeworld to Atlantis.)

~ * @ * ~

Rodney McKay was a physicist, not a babysitter. He made sure everyone heard that loud and clear -- and repeatedly -- when he got wrangled into helping herd the Athosian children in the infirmary (during his free time, no less!) so that Beckett and his crew could (try to) give the kids physicals. Kids were just too damn evil, as far as Rodney was concerned; they proved him right numerous times that morning, mostly by using him for target practice for various toy projectile-launching devices, usually slingshots (though a few got him in the keister with blunt spears). Why on earth was he even there, anyway? It wasn't like the little rugrats paid him any mind! The scathing wit and derisive tones that worked so well in keeping the city's other scientists in line had no effect on the youths.

And then one of them latched onto his leg, like a rabid dog, and wouldn't let go! Well, okay, not like a rabid dog; she wasn't biting or barking, just clamping her surprisingly strong little arms and legs around his calf in something akin to a death grip. But ... young kids drooled! Well, okay, she probably didn't drool, she looked about five years old or so now that he thought about it, but ... touching! To the point where he was starting to lose circulation! Had she even been examined yet? Maybe she did have rabies, or some other horrible disease of the Pegasus galaxy! Did these Athosians have no concept of personal space?? And why was she looking at him like that?

"Can you let go, please?"

The girl shook her strawberry-blonde locks, staring up at him with big, cornflower-blue eyes. For a split second, he was reminded of his sister, Jeannie, as a child. He shook the thought away.

"Where's your mommy?" he asked in his most patient tone -- which, truthfully, wasn't very.

She shrugged, looking vaguely unhappy.

Oh great, don't tell me she's lost! "Er, how about your daddy?" he tried.

She simply smiled at him -- and in a most unsettling way!

He tried a new tactic. "Do you have a name?"

She nodded.

He waited a long moment. Finally, he snapped, "Well, what is it?" No reply. "Your name! Tell me your name!" He was practically crying in frustration by now.

She shook her head.

"Ugh." He rubbed a hand over his face. Then he tried shaking her off; she only giggled and grinned at him. He looked about helplessly, until he spotted a plump, middle-aged Athosian woman. "Excuse me, please," he began, trying to walk over to her with the child weighing him down and unbalancing him -- arguably mentally as well as physically. "Excuse me," he tried again, "Can you--"

"There you are!" the woman addressed the child. She smiled apologetically to Rodney and tried to take the girl, but the child refused to let go. "Saera, let go of the nice man's leg!" the woman chided the little girl sharply. Saera acquiesced with a pout, and allowed the woman to lift her onto her hip. "Sorry about that," the woman apologised to Rodney.

"Oh, that's ..." Rodney wasn't a very good liar, so he just waved his hand, trying to belie his irritation. "Uh, has she been examined yet?" he asked instead, trying not to let on that he had a personal interest, wanting to make sure this Saera girl had no illness that he might have contracted from their momentary close proximity.

"No, she hasn't," the woman said, examining the back of the girl's hand. "I've been putting marks on all the children who have been examined. I'm Ilya, by the way. Mother to the motherless." She bowed her head.

"Oh? You mean ... she's an orphan?" Rodney asked, not even thinking to name himself to her. He felt a pang of pity for the little girl, and perhaps even a small knot of guilt for having been so quick to push her away (though he would never admit that). Rodney might go out of his way to keep his comrades at arm's length, but it was a semi-unconscious defense mechanism born of being something of an ostracised child prodigy (or even that of a child who knew his parents blamed him for their failed marriage!): reject others before they could reject you. (Not that he would admit that, either.)

"Aye, she is," Ilya confirmed, as if she were talking about the weather. "We found her alone on another world when we were trading, her parents dead. We think she witnessed them being killed by the Wraith, but we don’t know for sure -- none of us have ever heard her speak." The woman brushed a smudge of dirt roughly off of Saera's face, frowning in annoyance. "Come on, let's get you examined."

Telling himself he still wanted the reassurance that the girl didn't have any disease she might have passed on to him, Rodney caught Carson's attention. The doctor finished with his current young charge and came over. Rodney gestured to Saera. "Can you take her next?"

Carson nodded, smiling. "Sure." He gave Rodney small, puzzled glances out of the corner of his eye as he worked, clearly wondering why the physicist was hovering so.

Truth be told, Rodney was wondering that himself.

"Now, my dear," Carson told Saera, "I have to take a little of your blood. It will pinch a bit, but then you can have a piece of candy. Would you like that?"

The girl shook her head no.

"You don't want any candy?" Carson asked, taking a colourfully-wrapped piece out of his pocket and holding it up.

She shook her head again.

Smart kid, Rodney thought. She's not falling for that old routine! Doubtless the stuff is stale, anyway .... Still, she did need the blood test; what Beckett needed was a better bribe. "Saera," Rodney said, "have you ever had blue Jello before?"

She shook her head, sniffing audibly and rubbing her nose on her sleeve.

Rodney tried not to let his revulsion show. "Oh, you haven't! Well, it's only the very best dessert in two galaxies! It's all sweet, and cold, and fruity, and it melts in your mouth! I mean, once you try it, you might never want to have anything else to eat ever again! Tell you what: if you let Carson here get the blood he needs from you, we'll go get you some at the mess hall right afterwards. Okay?"

The girl looked Rodney square in the eye, and he had the unsettling feeling that she could see right into the heart of him, his soul, if one believed in that sort of thing. Luckily for him, he wasn't lying about his opinion of the Jello (even if he was exaggerating a tad); she nodded with a small smile. Her smile was infectious; he found himself grinning back. And when she flinched at the sight of the needle, he found himself taking her hand, squeezing it tight. In far too long a moment, it was over. Tears were in her eyes, but she smiled bravely at the physicist as Carson put a bandage over the site where the blood had been drawn.

He felt an inexplicable surge of pride towards her. "Now let's go get that Jello!" he said, helping her down from the examination table.

"Oh, thanks for taking her! You can just bring her back here later; I'll be here all day," Ilya said, beaming, then quickly turning away to admonish another of her charges.

"What?" Rodney asked, suddenly pale. Oh no. What the hell had he gotten himself into now?

"Oh, I'm sure you two will have a grand time," Carson assured him with a grin. "At least you're getting out of this madhouse for a bit!"

That only slightly mollified the physicist.

~ * @ * ~

John Sheppard thought he was still dreaming when he walked into the mess hall for a late breakfast. Not that seeing Rodney in the mess was odd -- far from it. John suspected that the man was like a hobbit, having breakfast, then "Elevenses", then "second breakfast", lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, supper, a late night snack .... No, it wasn't the simple fact that Rodney was there at all that surprised Sheppard, so much as the fact of who the man was with. True, John didn't know McKay very well yet -- he'd known him for just a few days, really -- but he considered himself a good judge of character. He didn't peg McKay as the babysitting kind, and couldn't imagine anyone being willing to leave their child's safety in the hands of the self-absorbed, less-than-sociable scientist!

Curiosity getting the better of him, John brought his tray over to Rodney's table, sitting beside him and startling McKay half to death in the process. "Who's your friend?" Shep asked, ignoring Rodney's discomfiture.

"This is Saera," McKay said grudgingly. "She had to have blood drawn, and I promised her blue Jello if she let Carson take it without making a fuss." His tone said go away, but while that tone might cow his underlings, it only encouraged Sheppard to give the man more grief.

"Do you like the Jello, Saera?" John asked.

Saera nodded vigorously.

"Has Uncle Rodney here been nice to you?"

"Major!" McKay protested, while Saera nodded again.

"You can call me Uncle John," Sheppard told the girl. When she only shrugged, he asked, "How old are you, Saera?"

She held up seven fingers.

McKay looked shocked at this, and Sheppard had to admit that he was a bit surprised as well. To his mind, she looked at least two years younger, and while he wasn't an expert on kids, it seemed unusual for a child of seven to still be playing the shyness game.

"Well, you're awfully quiet," Sheppard said, hoping to encourage her to break a silence that was starting to unsettle him. She only shrugged again, though, her attention back on the Jello.

"Um, Major?" Rodney whispered, "She doesn't talk. Ilya says she hasn't since she saw her ... well, her parents being killed by the Wraith."

Sheppard felt a flash of sadness for the girl, before it was smothered by the grim resolve of a man who had already witnessed far too much suffering in his lifetime. He made a silent promise that he was mortally afraid he couldn't keep: that they would put a stop to the Wraith before another child had to watch their parents die.

And that's when it occurred to John, what it was that had seemed so ... off about Rodney (well, besides the company the physicist was keeping) as he'd first walked into the mess: it was how subdued McKay seemed. He saw it on Rodney's face even now, as the physicist watched the girl eat: a quiet sort of melancholy had settled like a cloak about the usually-animated man's shoulders.

Well I'll be! The man does have an empathic bone somewhere in that pudgy body of his ....
~ * @ * ~

Ilya clearly wasn't expecting her charge back so soon. Her little "Oh!" upon spotting Saera and Rodney spoke volumes -- especially when accentuated with the gaggle of children that were swarming about her while she tried to hold down a very reluctant patient.

Upon hearing the examined child crying, Saera began to cry as well, which then served to set a few more children off. It was all Rodney could do to keep from putting his hands over his ears.

"Maybe you should take her back out," Carson suggested, as if the loss of single crier could help that much.

Typically, McKay ignored Beckett's advice -- though in this case it was mostly because the crying distracted him from even hearing it. He had to stop it somehow -- and fast! Thankfully, McKay had always done his best problem-solving under pressure.

Rodney was not a hugger, and had little recollection of receiving such displays of affection from his parental units. All the same, even he had some vague notion that crying children were usually comforted by being held, so he decided to give it a try. When he knelt beside her, he was more than a little cautious as he wrapped his arms around her small frame -- not because he was still afraid she was disease-ridden, but because she seemed so delicate, so fragile, that he was half-sure she would break in his hold. "Hey, now, where's my brave girl? Can you show your friend there that it'll all be okay?" he asked in what he hoped were soothing tones.

Sniffing, she nodded. She grabbed Rodney's hand and strode purposefully over to the four-year-old boy who'd initially started the crying. She pointed to her bandage and smiled, nodding her head once. The boy stopped crying, eying her uncertainly, before reluctantly offering up his arm to Beckett. Saera took the boy's other hand and squeezed it comfortingly. As the needle stuck him, he flinched, but kept his mouth closed in a firm, determined line as Carson took the sample. As soon as the job was done, the child ran off to play, foregoing even the candy. Saera beamed at Rodney, and he gave her a proud smile, something he seldom granted those who worked under his authority.

One of the science team members chose that moment to page Rodney in a panic, apparently unable to handle a sudden crisis, which unfortunately wasn't the least bit surprising. While McKay would have welcomed the excuse to leave only an hour or so ago, though, now he would make the underling suffer for drawing him away. Even if Rodney had no idea himself of why he was so reluctant to leave.

~ Chapter Two: The Tooth Fairy ~

Work soon chased all thoughts of the child from his mind; it was about a week before Rodney even saw Saera again. He was yelling at someone, as usual, when he turned and spotted the child smiling a close-mouthed smile at him from a chair. He stopped short in mid-tirade; the unlucky subject of his ire found that luck changing, making a hurried and unnoticed escape.

"Er ... h-hi, Saera ..." Rodney said, looking about for a sign of Ilya. There was none. He felt a surge of hot anger; how could the woman let the little girl out of her sight? There were plenty of things in the lab -- indeed, in all the city -- that could hurt a small child!

Saera grinned at him, proudly displaying a gap in her smile.

Rodney knelt before her. "Heeeey, look at that! You lost a tooth, huh? Wow, pretty soon you'll be all grown up!"

She nodded vigorously and held the small bit of bone out to him, clearly intending for him to take it.

He eyed the germ-laden object, mind racing for a way to get out of having to take it without hurting her feelings. And then the obvious hit him. "Oh, you should give that to the tooth fairy!"

She cocked her head at him, blinking.

He gasped dramatically. "You don't know about the tooth fairy?"

Of course she didn't.

"Well, if you put your tooth under your pillow when you go to bed, then in the morning, the tooth fairy will have turned it into a qu-a nice surprise!" He'd almost said a quarter, until he realised that she probably had no concept of money. Great, McKay, now what are you going to do? Because he'd be damned if, after telling her that, he wasn't going to follow through on the time-honored ruse. But it wasn't like there was a toy shop around -- what on earth could he get her for Ilya to trade out the tooth with? Well, it was early in the day; surely a genius mind like his would think of something.

Ten minutes after Saera's arrival in the lab, Weir sent out a general call over the comm system, saying the Athosians were looking for a small girl. For a long moment, Rodney entertained the thought of pretending that the lab's comm was down; maybe that would teach Ilya to keep a better eye on her charge! And if he had an ulterior motive, namely in keeping Saera around a bit longer, well, no one needed to know that (not even his own consciousness). As if she could read his thoughts, though, Saera stared at him expectantly, looking up towards the ceiling, then back at him, as if to say "Well? Aren't you going to le them know I'm okay?" Sighing, Rodney reported to Weir that the girl was safe in the science lab.

A grateful Ilya apologised profusely; she had more fosterlings than she could handle, really, even with help from her older charges. She had been taking the children to the mess hall; Saera must have heard Rodney speaking, recognised his voice, and wandered into the lab as they'd passed.

Rodney realised he'd been yelling at that time, and blanched.

He also found himself saying, "Well, I'd be happy to watch Saera for you once in a while," before his brain had time to process -- and reject -- the notion of even making the offer.

"That'd be a huge help, thanks!" Ilya had replied quickly. She was out the door seconds later, probably to make sure he couldn't change his mind.

Truth be told, Rodney couldn't find it within him to regret the offer, either. In fact, Ilya had left Saera in the lab a few more hours, making the rest of the scientists happy as well; McKay barely lifted his voice in all that time, obviously not wanting to yell in front of the little girl. Also, he was so focused on keeping an eye on her, he didn't watch the other scientists either, leaving them free to work in peace without him hovering and criticizing to the point of jangling everyone's nerves. When Ilya finally came to collect the little girl, everyone was sad to see her -- and the buffer she provided -- go.

~ * @ * ~

At dinner, Sheppard found an apprehensive McKay sitting alone at a table, chasing his otherwise untouched food around his plate with a fork. Curious as to what could possibly kill the physicist's appetite -- and, all right, maybe even a bit worried by it -- John sat before him.

"Major!" Rodney exclaimed, his worried eyes now holding a glimmer of hope. "Ya gotta help me -- there's not much time left!"

McKay was asking for his help? It had to be something really bad! "Sure, Rodney, what is it?"

"I need a present for a little girl like right now, and I have no idea what to give her!"

John blinked. "Come again?"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "A present! For a little girl!" he reiterated, shaking his hands before him in emphasis. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I told Saera about the tooth fairy, and I promised her that if she put her tooth under her pillow, it would become something special! But I have no idea what to exchange it for!"

"Um, a quarter?"

Rodney glared at him, looking exasperated. "And what exactly is she going to do with that? It's not like Athosians use currency, regardless of whether it's Canadian or American!"

John shrugged, rather surprised that McKay was agonizing over getting a child a present in the first place. "Were you really expecting her to spend whatever you gave her anyway? Quarters are all shiny; little girls like that sort of thing."

Rodney's eyes bugged, and he gave Sheppard his rare Oh my god, that's brilliant, why didn't I think of that? smile. "God, that's so simple, it's perfect! What do you give a kid who loses a tooth? A quarter!" He gave a slightly hysterical giggle.

"What, too simple a concept for your massive brain to contemplate?" Sheppard teased.

Rodney glared at him. "Yes, apparently being of only average intelligence has at least one advantage after all ...."

John rolled with the insult good-naturedly. "Hey, I'm just sayin' .... I mean, sometimes you ... seem to overcomplicate things, that's all."

Rodney immediately looked contrite, an expression John felt was all too alien on him. "Yes, yes ... er ... thank you for your help."

Sheppard decided it was better not to remark on Rodney's suddenly being polite; if attention was drawn to the fact, McKay would probably be polite far less often. "You're welcome," John said simply, turning his attention to his food, hoping to diffuse the awkwardness that seemed to have settled over their table.

Rodney got to his feet, drawing John's attention again, particularly to the man's still-full plate.

"Where you goin'?" John winced. Gee, that didn't sound like the cry of a lonely man or anything ... He certainly didn't want McKay to get the impression that he was pining for the man's company or anything! It was just that the guy leaving a full tray of food was cause for concern, and since McKay was on his team, he felt he ought to do something about that concern ....

"Well, first I need to go find a quarter, because I'm not even sure I have one here, and then I need to find Ilya, so she can trade the tooth out for the coin tonight," Rodney said distractedly.

"Well, here," Sheppard said, digging into his pocket. He always had a quarter on him; you never knew when you'd need one for a payphone or a vending machine! ... Except that they had neither device on Atlantis, so he might as well get rid of the thing now, he figured. He tossed it to McKay. "Now sit down and eat. Ilya will probably still be up for a while, and I bet Teyla will know where to find her."

Rodney did as he was ordered without protest, clearly touched and more than a little surprised. "Thanks," he mumbled.

John only shrugged, turning back to his own plate.

~ * @ * ~

Saera loved her quarter, which Rodney had drilled a hole through and put on a braided bit of wire, as a necklace. And as she lost each tooth over the course of the next few weeks, McKay would go scouting for a new coin to give her, drilling a hole into each one for her to add to her necklace. So far he'd given her: an American quarter, a Canadian quarter, a 100 Yen piece, a Czech koruna and haler, a fifty-centavo piece from Brazil, a Mexican peso, a British pound, and a Euro. The crew was only too happy to help Rodney out, tickled by this glimpse at a kinder, gentler side to him.

The scientist team greatly appreciated whenever Saera came to visit the lab; as on that first day, McKay wasn't nearly as grouchy and hovered over their workstations less whenever she was around. Though the Athosians had a school set up for the children, Rodney took it upon himself to make sure Saera knew her letters and numbers. For her part, Saera was a very well-behaved child, quiet, calm and attentive. She would point to things the team were working on, and Rodney would do his best to explain what they were doing; she always seemed satisfied with the answers, too, even though the likelihood of her understanding him was small. All the same, despite how much they all enjoyed her company, Saera's visits to the lab were infrequent. The scientists had important -- and sometimes dangerous -- work to do, after all.

And then the Athosians decided to move to the mainland, Ilya and her charges included. If anything, McKay seemed crankier than ever after that. The science team was almost grateful whenever Ilya would return to the city with a sick charge -- they felt bad for the sick child, but at least Ilya would always bring Saera for a visit too!

And every now and then, Rodney would make arrangements with Ilya to see Saera on one of his days off. (Not too often, though, as he sensed his reputation as a hard-ass was already in jeopardy, and he'd never get any work out of anyone if they thought he was a softie!) He'd take Saera around the city to say (or rather, wave) hello to the friends she'd made among the expedition members -- especially Uncle John, Auntie Teyla, Uncle Carson, and Uncle Radek -- then bring her to the mess for lunch, where she would be fussed over by everyone in the hall, given treats, and praised for what a good little girl she was. Rodney would beam like a proud papa and, for a little while, some of his coworkers would privately think he wasn't such a bad guy after all. The only downside was that, when he returned to work, he would be even grouchier than usual for a day or so, as if making up for lost time.

~ Chapter Three: The Pianist ~

A week later found Ilya in need of someone to watch Saera again while she brought yet another child to see Bennett. Ilya would have gladly left Saera with one of the older children and not bothered the scientist, but Saera seemed to know that Ilya was going to the city, and insisted, in her maddeningly silent way, on coming with.

"Dr McKay?" Ilya said tentatively.

His back was to her; she didn't think he'd heard her until he said, back still to her, "Hello?"

"I need to take this young one to see Dr Beckett, so I was hoping you could watch Saera again for a little while?"

"Yes, yes, of course," He said without turning around, sounding a little irritated.

Frowning at his back, she told Seara to be good and left.

~ * @ * ~

"I said yes, already!" Rodney snapped into his earpiece. He spun on his feet, pacing. "I--" he stopped, dumbfounded, when he saw Saera grinning at him from a chair. "I have to call you back, Zelenka ..." He knelt before the little girl. "Saera, did you wander off again?"

She shook her head.

Rodney goggled. "Did Ilya just leave you here?"

A nod.

Rodney rubbed a hand down his face. "That woman," he muttered. Sure, he'd offered to watch Saera, but he would have liked to have been consulted first!

Saera just shrugged, smiling.

~ * @ * ~

McKay was walking Saera to the mess when they caught the strains of piano music coming from down one hall. For a moment, Rodney felt a pang, remembering his own crushed childhood dream of being a concert pianist. Then Saera slipped free of his hand and ran towards the sound, prompting Rodney to hurry after.

They found Dr Kate Heightmeyer, whom McKay vaguely knew to be a psychologist (as Weir kept politely suggesting he see the woman over some personal issues). Heightmeyer was playing a synthesiser with the door to her office open.

"Oh!" the woman exclaimed, going off a few keys before stopping completely when Saera burst into the room, McKay hot on the child's heels.

"I'm so sorry!" Rodney apologised to the doctor, grabbing a giggling Saera and lifting her into the air.

"It's okay," the psychoanalyst laughed. "That's what I get for playing with the door open, I guess, but it's so hot in here ...."

Rodney set Saera back down, and the girl came to sit beside the doctor, looking curiously at the keyboard.

"It is a bit stuffy in here," Rodney remarked, scowling, taking the faulty climate control as a personal affront. "Let me see if I can fix that for you," he said, more to himself than to the woman whose office it was, taking a panel off the wall near the door.

Saera reached out and plunked a key tentatively.

Rodney quickly spun about. "Oh no, Saera, don't play with the nice lady's synthesiser, please!"

"Oh, it's okay, I don't mind," Heightmeyer said. "Here, uh ... Saera, was it? I'm Kate. Would you like to learn a song?"

Saera nodded vigorously. Heightmeyer scooted over a bit, to give the child better access to the keyboard. Before the doctor could show the girl anything, though, Saera plunked every key, one at a time, from lowest to highest. Finishing that, she looked to Kate expectantly. Heightmeyer smiled, and played "Mary Had a Little Lamb", first at normal speed, and then more slowly.

Without prompting, Saera lay the fingers of her right hand on the corresponding keys on the lower end of the scale. She played the song exactly right, at normal speed, with no hesitation.

"Wow! That's very good for a beginner!" Kate remarked.

Rodney finished fixing the temperature regulation and turned to watch, a funny feeling in his stomach. Was this wise? If Saera grew to love the piano even a fraction as much as he had as a child ....

Well, he reckoned he'd just have to get her a piano, then -- and a teacher with more tolerance (or less honesty) than his own had shown.

But Saera wasn't smiling, she was scowling. She brought her left hand up and lay it on the keys as well. She began to play anew, this time a harmony accompaniment to a more complicated version of the melody. Now she smiled. She finished the tune, and launched into something even more complex, which McKay recognised as an elaboration of an Athosian song he'd heard Teyla singing just the other day.

"Oh! So you already know how to play, then!" Kate remarked, looking puzzled. "Why didn't you say so?"

"Er, she suffered a trauma and doesn't speak," Rodney explained quietly, while his heart raced. She played piano by ear like she'd done it for years! He knew he should be thrilled to have discovered a child prodigy not so unlike himself -- but that was exactly what had him nervous. There were times in his life when he wished he'd been a more ... normal child; now he harboured the same wish for sweet Saera, praying that her gifts wouldn't end up warping her life -- or her personality -- as they had, admittedly, done to his.

"Curious," Heightmeyer remarked. "She can't have been playing piano all that long, obviously; even if someone else here has a synthesiser and gave her access, we've only been in contact with them, what, about three months? Maybe less?"

Rodney nodded unhappily, not liking where the conversation was going. "And Saera's only been in the city maybe twice in the last three weeks."
"Yet she doesn't play like a beginner," Kate observed. "Unless her people have a similar instrument? Even something like a xylophone might be similar enough, I suppose," she mused.

"Huh! Maybe!" Rodney felt hope swell. She might not be quite a prodigy after all, if she'd been playing something very like a piano since toddlerhood! Before Rodney could ask Saera to confirm or deny it, though, he noted the child was beckoning for him to come over to the keyboard.

"Oh, I think she wants you to play with her, Dr McKay!" Kate explained, noting his confused expression.

Rodney swallowed, the nervous flutter in his stomach returning with a vengeance. Playing piano had been like a drug that it had nearly killed him to let go of, but like a smoker quitting cold turkey, he hadn't touched a piano since his teacher told him he'd never be more than very technically proficient, that there was no heart to his music. If Rodney McKay couldn't be the best at something -- that was, if there was no hope that he ever could be -- he'd rather not have anything to do with it.

"I-I'm no good at that sort of thing, Saera," he said. He pointed to his head. "Tin ear."

The look she gave him said she didn't believe him one little bit. She crossed her arms, tapping her foot impatiently, then raised a brow and gestured with her head to the synthesizer -- in a manner that belonged on a much older child.

Kate got to her feet and stepped aside. "I don't think Saera's going to take no for an answer!"

Taking a deep breath to steady himself (and failing miserably), Rodney sat beside Saera and lay his hands reluctantly on the keys. What to play? It had been so long, and, unlike riding a bike, playing took ongoing practice. Well, he supposed it didn't matter; if he sucked, only Saera and Dr Heightmeyer would know, and why should either of them care? He closed his eyes, calling forth a playful tune he'd been long fond of: Mozart's "Turkish March". To his surprise, it really was like riding a bike, his fingers moving across the keys almost effortlessly.

When he finished, Saera played it back to him, and he soon found himself playing accompaniment. The tension in his shoulders relaxed, and as it did, so did his playing. He began to improvise without thought, just playing what felt right.

Something that his teacher had said he would never be able to do.

They moved on to other songs, Saera picking them up like she'd always known them, and adding flourishes, which McKay responded to in kind. It was, he later reflected, as if they were holding a conversation using the music, instead of words or gestures.

They only stopped because of a knock at the door.

~ * @ * ~

"Come in," came Dr Heightmeyer's muffled voice.

John fully expected to find her listening to a CD when he opened the door. Instead, he found McKay and Saera, seated at a keyboard. The psychoanalyst was eyeing them with a bemused sort of awe.

"Rodney! That was you?" John supposed it shouldn't surprise him that Rodney would be such a gifted player -- he obviously had a creative mind, considering how he was constantly coming up with ways to save their lives. But McKay and acts of grace just didn't seem to go in the same sentence ...

"Uh, well, sort-of. That is to say .... Saera--"

"Oh, did you hear them, Major Sheppard?" Kate cut in. "They were wonderful, weren't they?"

"Yeah," John said cautiously. He had to admit that they were very good; it was just that that kind of music wasn't really his scene. "So, Saera, Uncle Rodney's teaching you to play?"

"No, that's the amazing thing!" Kate gushed. "Saera, honey, have you ever played a musical instrument before?"

Saera shook her head.

"You're kidding me!" John accused, looking to Rodney in disbelief. "Are you saying she was able to play all that by ear?"

"Seems like," McKay sighed.

John raised his brows, but it was Kate who actually voiced the Colonel's thoughts. "You don't exactly sound thrilled," she remarked to McKay.

"Oh, no, of course I'm thrilled," Rodney insisted, his squeaking voice proof enough that he was lying. "Sweetie, you play brilliantly," he told Saera. "I'm very proud of you!"

John made a mental note to find out what was bothering Rodney when Saera -- or Heightmeyer, for that matter -- wasn't around to hear the answer.

"Well, ah, we should ... get out of your hair, now," Rodney said to the psychoanalyst.

"Oh, it was a pleasure having you both here, believe me," Kate said with great sincerity. "In fact, maybe we should arrange time a couple of times a week for you both to come back, so Saera can play more!"

And so you can get her to talk again, 'ey Doc?, Sheppard thought. Good luck ....

Rodney looked down at Saera uncertainly; the child smiled hopefully. Rodney sounded considerably less enthusiastic than Kate had when he said, "S-sure, ah, we'd ... we'd ... love that." He turned to leave, and suddenly seemed to remember that Sheppard was in the room, a grimace of horror crossing his features.

"Your secret's safe with me," Sheppard assured him in low tones, with a pat on the shoulder.

Rodney looked ill, rather than relieved.

Definitely need to find out what's up with that guy, John thought, shaking his head.

~ * @ * ~

"There you are!" Ilya cried, as she came into the mess, toddler in hand, and found Saera and her babysitter eating blue Jello. "Honestly, Dr McKay, you could have called the infirmary and let me know you were going to take her to lunch! I have enough to do today without having had to go looking--"

"Excuse me??" Rodney snapped. "Like you bothered to tell me that you wanted me to watch her in the first place, much less where you were going?"

The other people in the mess stopped in mid-chatter and mid-bite. A few who were finished with their food hurried out of the room, all too familiar with the physicist's temper.

Ilya gaped, her mouth an "o" of shock.

"I mean, I turn around and there's Saera, sitting in the lab, and no sign of you! She could have hurt herself when I wasn't looking! And did you bother to consider I might be busy? I know I agreed to watch Saera once in a while, but a little advance notice would be nice!"

Ilya finally found her voice, free hand balled in a fist on her hip in emphasis. "I most certainly did let you know! I said I needed to take Simak here to the infirmary, and aksed if you could watch Saera, and you said, 'Yes, yes, of course' -- in a rather rude tone, I might add!"

"What? I did no such -- I'm sorry, I've had my hands full," he said, hand to his ear and eyes suddenly unfocused.

Ilya scowled, clearly thinking the doctor had lost his marbles. "What are you ...?"

His eyes flew open wide. "Oh! Oh! You heard me talking to Zelenka! Through this!" he added, pointing to his comm in emphasis. "He asked me if I thought he should reroute a power conduit to -- well, never mind, the point is I was talking to him when I said 'yes'! I had no idea you were even there, Ilya!"

"Oh!" Ilya's free hand flew to her mouth. "I'm so sorry, Dr McKay, I didn't realise--"

"It's okay, it's okay," he assured her, waving a hand at her tiredly. "Just ... next time, make sure I'm looking you in the eye when I agree to anything, all right?"

She nodded. "Come along Saera," she said, reaching out a hand.

"Oh, wait! Let her finish her Jello; I had something to ask you anyway ..." Rodney said. "How often do you think you can get Saera back here? Dr Heightmeyer would like to give her pian--er, music lessons ...."

~ * @ * ~

(Author's note: Rodney revealed to Samantha Carter in the SG-1 episode "Redemption, Part 2" that he had wanted to be a concert pianist, until his teacher told him when he was twelve that he was "a fine clinical player," but had "no sense of the art whatsoever." Also, this chapter explains why Rodney was really seeing Heightmeyer, as opposed to what he insinuated to Teyla, namely that he had dated the woman for a while.)

~ Chapter Four: Games and Girl Troubles ~

(Author's note: This part of the story references the season one Stargate Atlantis episodes "Sanctuary" and "The Brotherhood", as well as centers around the game mentioned in the season three ep "The Game".)

~ * @ * ~

Months passed. Rodney saw Saera once or twice a week for her "piano lessons" (during which, alas, Heightmeyer made no headway in getting Saera to talk.) Much of the rest of his time was spent working, whether it was in the lab or on missions to other worlds. What little freetime he had left was usually spent playing "The Game" with Major Sheppard, which appealed greatly to Rodney's intellectual and competitive sides as he planned out what he felt was the perfect society -- typically with great success!

Today, though, his heart just wasn't in it.

Perhaps he imagined it, but it felt like things were a bit awkward now between him and the major since McKay revealed that John's would-be girlfriend was actually an ascended being. Rodney didn't like this new development one bit. Their friendship to date (at least, Rodney liked to think they were friends, and hoped Sheppard thought the same) had been the kind in which they tended to bicker with and tease one another; now, though Sheppard barely spoke to him. Once upon a time, Rodney would have been grateful to have those who constantly argued with or teased him leave him be, yes, but it was different with Shepaprd. Others had done those things aggravate or torment Rodney. Well, okay, Sheppard still aggravated and annoyed him, but he did it with love, so to speak. All McKay knew was that he'd give anything to get Sheppard to stop ignoring him, because he was pretty sure the major only ignored those he didn't like (well, when he wasn't kicking their ass, anyway).

"Hey, Major?"

"Yeah, McKay?" John said distractedly, focused on his own game screen.

" ... Um, never mind." Apologising was even harder than McKay had expected -- probably because he was so out of practice ....

~ * @ * ~

They played on in silence for a long while, John trying to ignore Rodney's fidgeting and frequent intakes of breath, which told John that the man wanted to say something but couldn't quite manage it. Sheppard really wasn't in the mood for the man's drama, though; he had enough of his own, thanks. He was half-tempted to just quit for the day when McKay finally spat out what he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry."

John almost fell out of his chair. "Er, 'bout what, exactly?" he asked, peaking around his monitor to stare confused at Rodney.

"About butting into your ... your business with, ah, Chaya."

John didn't know what to say. He had been annoyed with Rodney over that -- still was a little, really -- but he was far more annoyed with himself over the matter than he was with McKay. Had the man really been agonising over that all this while? "Look, just forget about it, Rodney," he said, turning his attention back to his screen.

"I can't!" Rodney whinged. "It's obviously bothering you!"

John blinked and turned back to him. "What makes you say that?"

"Because you've hardly spoken to me since then!"

"Er, well, I'm not really the type to talk about my feelings, Rodney, so don't take it personally. I haven't really been talking to anyone lately."

It was Rodney's turn to blink. "So ... you're not mad at me for telling you to stay away from her or for snooping around until I revealed she was ascended?"

John sighed. "Well, I can't say I'm happy with you over it, but ... you did turn out to be right, she was hiding something. And she could have turned out to be something a lot worse than an ascended being, so ... I guess I can't be too mad at you. You were just doing your part to keep the city and everyone in it safe." It occurred to John then that Rodney had been protecting him, too. "I'm the one who dropped the ball; I'm more angry with myself than anything," John confessed. "And ... well, I guess I miss her."

Rodney gave him a pitying glance, which both touched John and made him wish he hadn't said anything at the same time. "You can still see her, though, can't you?" Rodney asked in a small voice.

Sheppard was silent a moment before shaking his head and saying, "No. We agreed it's better if we don't."

"But--"

"The other Ascended beings won't allow it," John elaborated harshly, wishing Rodney would drop it already. "Besides," he added softly, "she's immortal, and I'll die some day. How fair would that be to her?"

"You might be able to Ascend yourself," Rodney pointed out.

"Heh, yeeeah, um, I wouldn't count on that."

Rodney gave a small, sad laugh. "No, maybe not."

~ * @ * ~

A few weeks later, the shoe was on the other foot. Sheppard's team had been looking for a ZPM on a planet called Dagen, aided by some of the natives. John and the others had all told Rodney that the young woman who was the leader of the Dagen contingent, Allina, had a crush on the man, who in turn was utterly surprised by the news. At the time, Sheppard was both a little baffled by Allina's attraction and sorry for McKay that the physicist was so involved with his work that he hadn't even been able to tell Allina was interested in him. But then, after all the work they'd put into finding the ZPM and fighting off Kolya and his Genii thugs, it had turned out that Allina's people were only using them to find the device and then re-bury it. They took the ZPM away from McKay at gunpoint.

Weir had been pissed. While John could understand her frustration -- he was pretty upset himself over the whole thing -- he didn't think it was at all fair to blame his team -- particularly Rodney -- for it, though. Even if the only reason Allina betrayed them was because McKay had been a little too honest, revealing that they weren't the Ancients; John had been mad over that at first, until he realised Mckay had had no reason to know that would be a problem. Hell, they hadn't even realised Allina and her people had mistaken them for Ancients in the firstplace. How could he fault the man for being honest ... well, to a fault?

McKay seemed to take Weir's criticism especially hard, probably because he'd been the one to personally hand over the device, and because, out of all of them, he had the most reason to feel like a dupe over Allina's betrayal. Rodney had been glum to the point where he didn't even seem to have the strength of will to terrorise the science team!

"Hey, McKay?" Sheppard began tentatively from his game station.

"Mmm?"

John cleared his throat. "Look, I just wanted to say ... don't, ah, take what Weir said too personally; she's just upset. She knows it wasn't our fault we lost the ZPM -- I mean, how were we to know they'd turn on us?"

"They wouldn't have turned on us if I had kept my big mouth shut about us not being true Atlantians," Rodney muttered miserably.

John pursed his lips. "Maybe not," he conceded finally, "but I'm ... I'm still sorry I snapped at you for telling Allina the truth. There are worse things in the universe to be than an honest person, Rodney."

"Yeah, a sucker," McKay said, oozing self-derision.

"I was thinking a liar. Like Allina and Kolya."

Rodney shrugged. "You know, it's funny, Major ... Of the two of us? I would have pegged you, the 'people person', to be the better judge of character. But I hope you don't mind if, the next time you tell me someone's attracted to me, I just ignore you, okay?"

John laughed. "Yeah, I guess my track record for reading people's not looking so good these days, is it?"

Rodney snorted. "No, that it's not, Captain Kirk ...."

Shep grinned for a moment, then sobered. "I was gonna say, for what it's worth ... I still think Allina liked you."

Rodney was speechless a moment. "Not enough, I guess," he said finally.

~ * @ * ~

"Are you still moping over Allina?" Sheppard asked while he ordered his village to start farming another field.

"Wha? Oh, no. I mean, yeah, I'm still disappointed, but that's not what's bothering me at the moment."

"Oh? Do tell," John said, hoping he wouldn't regret the invitation.

Rodney sighed. "It's Ilya."

John paused mid-keystroke. No, surely not ....

"I don't like how she takes care of Saera -- or should I say, neglects her. And I'm not even saying it's her fault; I think it's great that she would dedicate herself to caring for orphans ...."

"But?" John prompted after a minute of silence.

"But what? Oh! Sorry, was planning out a new road. Anyway, it's just I think Saera deserves better than that. Someone who can devote all their time to her. She's so bright, you know? I guess I just ... I keep thinking how great it would be to have her here full-time, is all."

Sheppard stared in disbelief. "Are we talking ... adoption?"

Rodney sighed. "No, not really. I mean, let's face it, I have all the fatherly bones of an earthworm. I'm married to my work; I've never even really thought about settling down. Still don't, really. Besides, I'm just as busy as Ilya most of the time, if not more so."

"... But you were thinking about it." It wasn't really a question.

"... Yeah. Just for Saera's sake, you understand."

John nodded. "I agree about the lack of time. And let's face it, it just gets too dangerous here sometimes, anyway."

"There is that," Rodney agreed. "She's safer on the mainland."

"Still ..." John went on, "I've watched you with Saera, McKay. For what it's worth ... I know you'll make a great dad some day."

Rodney looked touched before spoiling it with a rueful smile. "Yeah, maybe. If I live long enough."

~ Chapter Five: The Chess Master ~

(Author's note: This part of the story occurs a week or so after the season two episode "Condemned", and about ten months after the previous chapter. It also makes a small reference to the season two episode "Intruder".)

~ * @ * ~

"Oh good, you're here!" Ilya breathed, panting a little under the weight of Sarea and yet another toddler she was carrying in her other arm.

McKay and Sheppard were playing chess in the mess hall with Carson looking on, killing time while they waited for Teyla and the team's newest member, Ronon, to arrive.

"McKay's always here," Sheppard replied distractedly as he made a move.

"And how would you know that if you weren't always here yourself?" Rodney shot back. "Besides, am I eating anything?"

"You were a few minutes ago," John replied.

"It was breakfast! So were you! And Carson!"

"Hey now, don't drag me into this!" Beckett insisted, laughing.

John shrugged, "We're not talking about me or Beckett here anyway, McKay, we're talking about your favourite subject: you."

Ilya broke in before Rodney could retort; she was clearly exasperated by their antics. "I'm sorry to bother you, Dr McKay, but can you watch Saera for a little while?" she asked while setting Saera down. "I promise I'll be right back; I just need to take little Mira here," she gestured with her chin to the toddler, "to the infirmary for her check-up."

"Oh, of course!" Rodney said, beaming as his young friend.

Heightmeyer's and McKay's schedule had of late proven too incompatible for him to attend all of Saera's piano "lessons". John knew for a fact that Rodney hadn't seen Saera in at least three weeks, and perhaps only a half-dozen times in the three months, so he didn't tell Ilya to get lost, despite how every bone in his body was aching to.

"You want to watch me trounce your Uncle John at chess, Saera?" Rodney asked.

Saera nodded and climbed onto Rodney's knee.

Just for that, Sheppard almost changed his mind then about letting Saera stay, but let it slide. It would serve Rodney right if John whupped his ass right at chess in front of the child! "Make sure you're back in twenty minutes, Ilya; we have a mission!"

The woman nodded and waved.

"You never should have encouraged her to use you as a babysitting service, McKay," John muttered.

"Yes, well, you know I don't do it for Ilya's sake, that's for sure," Rodney replied, concentrating on the board.

Before Sheppard could comment, and before Rodney could stop the child, Saera reached out and moved one of McKay's pieces.

"Oh, sweetie, that's --" McKay goggled "--checkmate ..." he finished weakly.

When Beckett saw Rodney was right, he stared at the child skeptically. "That's just a coincidence!"

"Well, if it is, it's a pretty amazing one!" Rodney replied. Despite his words, he didn't sound at all happy about the new development.

John eyed her thoughtfully, then started to reset the board. "Saera, sweetie, do you want to play?" he asked as he worked.

She nodded shyly.

Bemused, Sheppard made an opening move. Saera made an appropriate countermove. He tried another; she did it again. By the time Telya arrived, Saera had taken most of his pieces, losing only three of hers, and had him checkmated again.

John stared in shock, while Teyla teased him lightly about losing to a girl. Then a thought occurred to him. "Heeey, wait now. You've been teaching her, haven't you, McKay?"

"What? No! I-I swear I had no idea she could play! She ... I don't know, she must have been paying attention when we've played in front of her before, that's all!"

John didn't buy it. "We've only played three times, Mr 'It's tough to find challenging opponents', and she wasn't there for any of them! Saera, honey, has Uncle Rodney been teaching you how to play this game?"

Eyes serious, she shook her head slowly.

"Well, how did you learn it, then, sweetheart?" John pressed.

Saera pointed at both of her eyes with two fingers, then turned her hand to point those fingers at the board.

"By watching," Teyla breathed. "I believe her, John; I have never seen Saera lie."

A thought occurred to John. "Hey, maybe this is like with the piano, huh?"

"Piano?" Carson and Teyla said in tandem.

"Could she just have a natural talent for chess, do you think?" John continued, remembering his promise to Rodney and not elaborating on the piano lessons. "Like ... like Bobby Fisher or something?"

Rodney nodded with an oddly pensive look, while Teyla and Carson each pursed their lips in thought.

"Whoa, what's with all the serious faces?" Ronon asked as he ambled into the room.
As if he were one to talk! John mused; the young warrior was one of the most serious men he'd ever met!

John then noticed McKay tense almost imperceptibly, the physicist closing his hands on Saera's shoulders. Curious. Ronon had saved McKay's life, yet Rodney didn't seem at all comfortable with the warrior being around the child. For her part, Saera ducked her head against Rodney's chest. Ronon frightened her, and Usually-Oblivious-to-the-Feelings-of-Others McKay seemed to sense that. Very curious.

Or maybe it's McKay that's afraid of Ronon, and Saera's the one picking up on it ...?

"Hey, it's okay, Saera," McKay soothed. "Ronon may look a bit scary, but he's a friend," he assured her. "He's like a golden retriever -- all bark and no bite!"

Okay, maybe I was right the first time.

Ronon scowled. "Care to test that theory, McKay?" he practically growled.

John expected Rodney to gulp and back down. Instead, the physicist glared back. "Would you stop scaring her, you Neanderthal?" he hissed.

Ronon looked stricken. "Sorry, little one. I wasn't really gonna hurt him, okay? I was just ... teasing."

"Yeah, Ronon and Rodney are friends," John assured her, giving Rodney a meaningful look.

"Oh, uh, absolutely! Ronon here even saved my life when we first met," he added seriously, nodding at the Satedan in acknowledgement and gratitude of the fact.

Ronon blinked in surprise. "And McKay's saved mine since then," he told Saera. "We're good."

That last was aimed more at Rodney, who, John noted, seemed touched by the gesture. Sheppard wondered, not for the first time, why McKay was always so surprised when anyone made an overture of friendship towards him. Hadn't the guy ever had friends before? Well, perhaps, with his lack of social skills, he really hadn't. God knew that, when John had first met him, he couldn't stand the man! But given a fairly short amount of time, Sheppard had started to realise that behind the sarcasm was a good, honest guy who really did want to better mankind. If having an excessive ego helped McKay save lives, so be it. Besides, if you simply refused to let yourself be bothered by his acerbic tongue, Rodney was actually rather amusing -- he was so fun to tease!

While John ruminated, Saera finally peeked at the Satedan. After a long, awkward moment, she climbed down from Rodney's knee and came around the table, throwing her arms around an unmistakably uncomfortable Ronon. Sheppard and McKay shared a grin at the warrior's expense.

~ * @ * ~

(Author's note: In the season two episode of Stargate Atlantis, "Intruder", McKay revealed to Sheppard that he didn't play chess much because it was difficult to find challenging opponents.)

~ Chapter Six: The Math Wiz ~

Four months later, Rodney was so wrapped up in his work one morning, that he completely forgot that Saera was coming to visit.

She knocked on the door frame, and jumped herself when Rodney jumped.

"Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry, Saera, I forgot about our day out! It'll have to wait for a little while; Kavanagh's screwed something up in this equation, and I'm trying to fix it. It can't wait, either, I'm afraid." He gestured at the four chalkboards full of math in front of him.

Saera came in and sat down on a chair.

Rodney gave her a puzzled frown, then rolled his eyes. "Ilya just left you here again, didn't she?" The caretaker had recently decided that Saera was old enough to be trusted to move about on her own. Apparently that included running around Atlantis while Ilya stayed on the mainland ....

Saera nodded distractedly, her eyes scanning the boards in front of her. Suddenly she rose to her feet and strode purposefully over to a dry erase board. Before Rodney could even move to stop her, she began erasing numbers here and there.

"Wait, Saera, don't--" but rather than stopping her actions, Rodney stopped himself; what if she was really a savant? It was too late to undo what she'd erased; they might as well see her actions through and find out if this was yet another thing she excelled at. Besides, as much as he dreaded the answer, the curiosity was killing him!

Saera grabbed the marker resting on the small shelf at the bottom, and began filling in the missing data. Rodney went over it mentally as she wrote, deciding she had indeed pinpointed the problem and was answering correctly. Once again, she reminded him of his little sister -- not that Jeannie had been quite that young when she was doing that kind of math, but Rodney had always harboured a suspicion that Jeannie could have worked math that advanced at that age if only someone had presented it to her at the time. Rodney knew he should be proud of Saera's apparent ability -- wanted to be, even -- but he couldn't seem to shake the sick feeling that was settling once more in his belly.

~ * @ * ~

"Why so glum?" Sheppard asked when he found McKay alone in the mess later that afternoon.

"Mm? Oh ... nothing," McKay answered half-heartedly.

"I didn't ask you what you're eating, McKay," John said, gesturing to Rodney's mutilated but uneaten food, a sure sign that something was amiss in Rodney's World.

"Wha ...?" said the brilliant physicist.

"Come on. Tell Uncle John what's wrong."

"Why do you keep asking me that?" Rodney hissed. "I said nothing's wrong!"

John just stared at him expectantly.

Rodney rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat, slumping back in his chair.

"It's just ... it's Saera."

John sat up in his chair. "She all right?"

Rodney waved a hand impatiently. "Yes, yes, she's fine. Brilliant, even," he added morosely. "Today she corrected an equation Kavanagh was working on."

John's eyes bugged. "When you say equation, you mean ..."

"Physics, yes."

"This is like the chess and the piano thing, isn't it?" John asked. Maybe now I'll get some answers ....

Rodney looked slightly impressed as he nodded and replied, "Actually, her 'mad math skillz' are probably why she's good at those. I mean, chess and playing the piano both benefit from a certain natural mathematical inclination."

"Hence why you're so good at both."

Rodney started at that, clearly thrown off-balance by the compliment -- or perhaps just that Sheppard had made the observation at all. "Er, it stands to reason, yes," Rodney agreed. "But even I wasn't anywhere near her level at that age."

"Rodney!" John scowled. "Is that why you're doing an Eeyore impersonation? You're jealous?"

"No! No, no, no, no, quite the opposite, in fact: I'm worried for Saera because of her abilities! I think she'd be much better off without them!"

John believed Rodney; the man was too terrible a liar to convincingly deny a truth, and he was convincing now. "Why?" Sheppard asked, baffled.

Rodney sighed, averting his eyes and twiddling with his fork. John was starting to consider putting thumbscrews (or lemons!) to the man when McKay finally responded, "You know that I'm not ... the, ah, easiest person to get along with, tight? I mean, I know that. And I know I could make more of an effort to be ... friendly. But do you know how hard it is -- and I'm not trying to brag here, I'm really not -- to be a child prodigy? To be 'gifted, and have all the adults around you flaunt the fact in front of your peers? Kids are like ... like sharks, and showing any sign of geekiness, or being different somehow, to them is like leaking blood in the water! And I just ... I have to wonder how different my life would be now if I hadn't ... if I hadn't been so different back then."

John was stunned; had McKay ever opened up like this before? To anyone? Sheppard now half-wished he hadn't asked! Oh, he wanted to help his friend-- and there was no denying that he and McKay were friends, despite how crazy McKay drove him most times -- but touchy-feely stuff like this was, well, more Heightmeyer's bag. Still, he had asked; he was at least partially responsible for McKay being near tears now (a sight that John found equal parts pitiable and disturbing). Sheppard tried to think of something comforting to say.

"Everybody feels alone when they're a kid, McKay, whether they're the one being pounded or the one doing the pounding," he began.

"Pfft, and I just bet you were a pounder, not a poundee," McKay broke in.

It was John's turn to roll his eyes -- though he grinned, too. "Don't interrupt! I was going to say that, whatever you went through as a child, if you weren't the man you are now, we'd all be dead! Yeah, okay, sure, you're a bit curmudgeon-y, but we all have our faults, right? Meantime, I'll take putting up with your cranky ass over being a corpse any day!" He grinned and kicked McKay's foot under the table for emphasis.

Rodney smiled back faintly, eyes grateful -- if only for a moment. A second later, though, the veil of melancholy was firmly re-settled around his shoulders.

"I haven't always ... saved people," he pointed out, voice hoarse. "There've been more than a few, in fact, who doubtless wished they'd never met me in the moments before they'd ..."

John felt the melancholy threaten to envelope himself as well. "I've ... lost people through my own actions too, Rodney. I know it's hard, it ... it hurts." He leaned forward. "But I'd venture that, in your case, you've saved more than you've lost -- and you never would have lost the ones you did if enemies like the Wraith and the Go'auld hadn't been waiting to do the killing!"

Rodney gave him a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Thanks for trying, Colonel, but ... well, for once, this isn't actually about me, it's about Saera. I mean ... can you blame me for not wanting her to ever know what it feels like to be ... ostracized, just because of her gift? O-or for hoping that she never has to find out what it's like to know people have ... died ... because she made a wrong decision? Because if she is as smart as I think she is, she will find herself a position where she'll have to make life-and-death decisions for her people. The whole 'With great power comes great responsibility' thing."

John swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the knot that was forming in his throat. Was that how McKay felt all the time? Not that Sheppard didn't feel the weight of the world on his shoulders now and then, but at least he didn't feel like he had to bear it entirely alone -- there wasn't anything really that only he could do -- just things he tended to do better than others. "No, of course I can't blame you; I don't want Sarea to ever have to experience those things either, Rodney! But maybe she won't! I mean, does she seem ostracized right now?"

"Well, no," Rodney admitted. "But then she never talks, so who knows what's going on with her when we're not around?" Rodney added ruefully.

"Well, there's at least a chance Athosian children aren't as cruel as the kids on Earth. And if we defeat the Wraith, she'd be free to use her gift for math in peace!"
"And if we don't?" Rodney whispered.

"Don't talk like--"

"If we don't?" Rodney pressed, more forcefully yet somehow even more quietly.

John was silent a long moment, wrestling with the sudden and completely inexplicable urge (despite his earlier anti-touchy-feely sentiment) to crush McKay in a bear-hug and tell him it'd all be okay -- as much because Sheppard himself needed the reassurance as because McKay did. "Are you going to be the one to tell her she shouldn't use her gift?" he said finally.

Rodney didn't answer.

~ Chapter Seven: Laughter and Lullabies ~

(Author's note: Contains references to the season one episodes "Hide and Seek", "The Eye", and "Before I Sleep" .... Slightly a songfic chapter. Specifically, it includes a couple of lines from "Don't Bring Me Down", written by Jeff Lynn/The Electric Light Orchestra, and a verse from "Little Wonders, by Rob Thomas.)

~ * @ * ~

Sheppard was making his way to the mess hall for the Atlantis Expedition's all-day two-year anniversary celebration when the corridor suddenly filled with loud music, making him jump. He looked about in confusion, as if that would answer the question of who in Atlantis was piping pop music into the whole city.

When Rodney came out of his lab dancing as only a geek could dance, and singing in falsetto, "Don't bring me dooooown!", Sheppard had his answer -- but it only spurred another question.

"ELO, Rodney?"

McKay kept dancing right on past him. "What's the matter, Colonel, you don't like The Electric Light Orchestra? Oh, never mind, why am I even surprised? Look, all I ask is that you 'Don't bring me down! No, no, no, no, no!'" He wagged his finger at Sheppard, then danced and sang the rest of the way down the hall, not caring in the slightest about the stares he received as he went.

Zelenka stepped out into the corridor next, considerably more sedate -- wincing, even.

"You slipped him something, didn't you?" Sheppard asked Radek.

Radek nodded, sighing. "Sorry .... We just wanted to loosen him up for the party! We had no idea he would be just as problematic when he's happy -- or that he would find a way to inflict that happiness on the whole city!" he finished wearily.

"Oh, you say that like this is a bad thing," Carson chimed in, coming up behind them. "I wish I'd thought of it m'self!"
"Heh, yeah, I don't mind," John said. "I do like ELO -- I was just surprised Rodney liked them. Or that he liked to dance ...."

"Aye. But apparently liking to dance and being able to are two different things," Carson quipped. "This is good for him, though," the doctor declared, more serious. "McKay is generally far, far too tightly wound; he worries me."

"You're telling me," Zelenka muttered.

John chuckled, shaking his head, then followed after the inebriated physicist, hoping to catch McKay doing something so horrifically embarrassing that he could tease the man about it for years to come.

And then he found Rodney dancing with Saera in the mess, the normally-silent child giggling her heart out. Not something Sheppard could really tease the man about -- far from it, actually. But somehow it made John glad to be there all the same. Maybe Rodney had finally gotten over his fears about Saera's abilities! Her presence certainly seemed to cheer the man; it wasn't without good cause that Zelenka had gotten him a bit drunk ....

Sheppard spent much of the evening hanging out with Teyla and Ronon, feeling more at home with the aliens than his own people. Oh, he talked with others, as they stopped by the table to say hello, of course -- particularly McKay, Weir and Beckett, who spent more time at "the popular kids' table", as McKay himself put it at one point, than most. But, to Sheppard's amazement, McKay was found at the center of a lot of circles that night. For a man who insisted that he had no people skills, and whose underlings were constantly complaining about him, Rodney was much better liked than anyone realised. Sheppard supposed it was the fact that, despite his constant whinging, overbearing arrogance, and professed cowardice, Rodney had saved them all more times than they could keep track of -- and that fact had to count for something, right? Then again, having an adorable little girl on one's knee for everyone to fuss over probably did much to help one's image.

Sheppard found his gaze wandering frequently to the physicist; it wasn't often that one saw McKay let loose like that. It wasn't often one saw him smiling so much, either -- or so genuinely! It was amazing, the change that overcame the man whenever Saera was around.

But then, she seemed to have that effect on everyone; even Ronon danced a dance or three with her, his own face lit with an unfamiliar smile that strangely suited him. Sheppard wondered if this was more like what the younger man had been like before the Wraith had destroyed his world. The Satedan was even being friendly -- not just tolerant, but actually chummy -- with McKay tonight!

Things seemed like they might go sour for Rodney for a tense moment, though, when Saera went up to Heightmeyer and mimicked playing the piano. An expression somewhat akin to panic crossed McKay's features, but he said nothing as Heightmeyer left to get her keyboard. The look crossed his face again when, after wowing the crowd with a little solo performance, Saera gestured for McKay to come sit beside her and play. He took a deep swig of whatever he was drinking, obviously -- at least to Sheppard -- trying to steel his nerves.

As the physicist revealed his musical talent to a much-stunned crowd, John wondered, pityingly, what had prompted Rodney to keep his talent hidden in the first place. Then again, John supposed he ought to be grateful that Rodney hadn't pursued music; the universe would be a lot different place without the man's genius in the field of astrophysics. They'd probably all have died a long time ago without him! But that didn't stop Sheppard from having a sudden, overwhelming urge to find out who had convinced Rodney to give music up and pummel them -- especially when he saw Rodney warm up to the crowd like a flower to the sun, blooming right before their eyes.

Sheppard was glad for Rodney, that the man seemed to have found some joy for the moment; the scientist had certainly known more than his fair share of hardships of late! Well, so had Ronon and Teyla, Sheppard supposed, but they had been practically born to those lives. For a civilian like McKay, who'd spent most of his life living in relatively safe surroundings, Sheppard had to admit that Rodney had handled himself well thus far during their time at Atlantis. Though Rodney was a professed coward and often acted accordingly, he'd done some pretty brave things in the time Sheppard had come to know him. Facing that energy-sucking entity, for one. And Weir had told Sheppard about how Rodney had stood between her and a gun-bearing Kolya; Rodney, for all his pride and tendency to brag, had never mentioned that to anyone. And hell, apparently in an alternate timeline, Rodney had let himself drown so that Sheppard, Weir, and Zelenka could try to escape a similar fate. Sheppard felt McKay deserved some credit for that, even if time had been altered so that they'd never even encountered that situation. It was the thought that counted, wasn't it?

In some ways, John supposed, the fact that Rodney had risked his life in the face of mortal terror without coming from any sort of military background made him the bravest of all of them. To a soldier, after all, risking one's life was just a part of the job, but for McKay, acts of heroism meant stepping out of his normal role. Sheppard didn't dare say anything like that to the man, though -- he was hard enough to live with!

Still, John found himself wondering just when it was McKay had gone from being an arrogant nuisance to a dear friend. He suspected it hadn't actually taken that long at all.

After the party had wound down, John spotted McKay sitting on a table in a nearby corner with Saera in his arms. Rodney began to sing softly, rocking the sleepy child gently:

"Our lives are made
in these small hours,
these little wonders,
these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain ...."

John hadn't realised before that Rodney had such a sweet voice -- it was hard to tell when the man used it to yell and whine so much, after all. John waited till the song was over, and Saera was fast asleep, then excused himself from Ronon and Teyla's company to come sit by the physicist and his small charge.

"Well, somebody partied hardy," he observed, whispering with a smile.

"Yeah," Rodney agreed, smiling fondly at Saera.

When Rodney aimed that smile in John's direction, Sheppard felt warmth suffuse him, the kind one felt during the holidays, in the presence of people who were dear to you. He returned the smile; he couldn't remember the last time he felt so ... blissful. John chalked it up to having had a few too many -- even if, in truth, he'd hardly had any at all.

"Soooo ..." John began tentatively, "I take it you've gotten over your worries about her ... abilities?"

Rodney looked confused at first, then stricken as he looked down at the little angel in his arms. John suddenly wished he had a time machine, so he could keep himself from reminding Rodney of his fears, then kick the crap out of himself for good measure.

"Heh, yeah, I guess I was ... having so much fun I forgot," Rodney said with a pained laugh.

"Well, maybe it's that better you do forget," John offered. "If she's gonna be a genius, she's gonna be one, nothin' you can do about it. But kids pick up on things more than we realise; I mean, if you're gonna get all apprehensive about it every time you see her, she's gonna develop a complex or somethin'!"

Rodney nodded thoughtfully. And if Sheppard could have read Rodney's mind at that point, he would have kicked the crap out of McKay ....

~ * @ * ~

(Author's note: McKay's having faced an energy-sucking entity is a reference to the first season episode "Hide and Seek"; in it, Rodney had a personal shield device that he couldn’t get off until his life had been in danger -- Weir had asked him to use it to face the being, and it fell off. Later, McKay put it back on and faced his fear, saving the city at great personal risk. The incident mentioned with McKay defending Weir from Kolya is from the second first ep "The Eye", where the man was holding them hostage. The reference to an AU Rodney giving up his life so others could escape was from the first season ep "Before I Sleep" .... Obviously the song Rodney sings to Saera, "Little Wonders", was also the inspiration for the title of this fic. It was written and performed by Rob Thomas for the Meet the Robinsons soundtrack. Just pretend Rodney had some way of having heard it, 'ey? ^_~ And I highly recommend checking out the lyrics, they work so well for McKay -- especially if Sheppard were singing them to him! *G* ... As for the ELO song, I woke up to it on the radio the morning of the day I wrote this chapter, and I had this vision of Rodney dancing to it down the hall, so I just had to work it in! ;P )

~ Chapter Eight: Lost Opportunities ~

(Author's note: This chapter and those that follow it reference the season three episodes of Stargate Atlantis "Tao of Rodney" and "Sunday", and should be considered AU to the episodes after, save for the fact that Keller becomes the new head of the infirmary, as is mentioned in "First Strike". Saera's next visit takes place about four weeks after the end of "Sunday".)

Saera's visits became less and less frequent. McKay insisted, with some relief, that it was because she was making more friends her own age, and couldn't be bothered to visit a bunch of boring old adults. And, well, now that the Athosians lived on a different world, visists were bound to be less frequent, even if they could use the Stargate to visist. Sheppard, however, suspected that the girl spent less time in the city because she had noted what John himself had observed: namely that Rodney had gone from warming up when she was around to actually becoming cooler, more distant, than his norm. John wondered if the man's actions were intended to push the girl away, or if it was just an unhappy side-effect. In six months time, John could count the times he'd personally seen the little squirt on one hand!

When McKay's DNA had been altered by an Ancient device, so that he was basically evolving to death, and he'd made the effort to reach out to the people he cared about for a final goodbye, Saera, shockingly, was not among those he said his farewells to. Scared for McKay's life (and only getting more so with each passing minute), Sheppard had wanted to bring Saera to the city, hoping she might help convince Rodney to give Ascension a serious try. But Ilya had pointed out that, having seen her parents die before her eyes, the last thing Saera needed was to possibly witness Rodney's death as well. It was then that Sheppard realised that McKay had only been thinking of Saera's well-being in his decision not to say goodbye. Still, if McKay hadn't found a way to cure himself at the last possible second, Saera would have never had the chance to seen him again, something that, to John's thinking, wouldn't have been good for her either. And since she hadn't come to Atlantis since then, John feared she still might not.

And then Carson was killed in an explosion.

Everyone who'd known Beckett was grieving, true, but some argued that McKay was worse to deal with now than he had ever been, even before meeting Saera. It wasn't quite that he was meaner (though at times he certainly was), so much as that he was more intense, more insistent that they get things done, even as he became a bulldog about time-consuming protocols and preventative measures. The only upside, to the scientists' minds, was that he insisted on doing experiments himself whenever possible, refusing to let others take risks.

Which, really, Sheppard could understand -- even as it made him incredibly nervous. They'd already nearly lost McKay due to his curiosity and penchant for experimentation -- more than once, even! Shep didn't like to see anyone voluntarily decrease his own odds of survival, plain and simple; that was doubly-true in Rodney's case, seeing as the man didn't seem to have very good odds to start with.

Ronon confided, in a private moment, that he thought McKay had become more fearful than ever. Not more cowardly, Ronon stressed. Just more panicky and paranoid. John had to agree. McKay was excitable at the best of times; being this edgy made his teammates edgier too, putting them all at risk. Weir had even noticed, and made the suggestion that John seriously consider removing the physicist from his team -- at least temporarily. But as much sense as that made, John couldn't do it.

For all his arrogance and boasting and seeming self-confidence, Sheppard was convinced that McKay was really quite insecure, at least outside the realm of his talents. Sheppard theorized that Rodney constantly sought the approval from his peers that he'd apparently been denied from family and friends in his childhood. If someone had suggested before Beckett's death that McKay's self-esteem could fall even lower, Sheppard would have laughed.

According to Ronon, Rodney blamed himself for Carson's death. Any semblance of self-importance McKay had ever harboured seemed to have died with the medical doctor. The fact that it was no direct act on Rodney's part, but rather an extremely sucky string of incidents, that ended in Beckett's demise didn't matter in the slightest to the physicist. Rodney was normally quick to shunt the blame to others when he truly was at fault, so the fact that he was so willing to shoulder all the blame for a horrible accident only served to demonstrate to Sheppard just how much McKay had cared for their friend -- and how deeply he was hurting. (Too bad evidence that there was more to McKay than the shallow façade he normally put forth had come at such a high price!) Sheppard was already grieving Beckett in his own way; seeing McKay slowly fall apart like that broke his heart even more. He was every bit as worried about his friend's well-being now as he was when Rodney was Ascending!

And that was why the last thing on earth (or in Atlantis) that he was willing to do was abandon McKay. Not just when the man needed companionship -- and encouragement that his abilities were valued and vital to their mission -- the most.

Unfortunately, Rodney was none too cooperative on that point.

Weir had made sure that the Athosians knew of Beckett's passing, inviting them to the in-city memorial service, before Carson's body was taken home to Earth. McKay had, quite uncharacteristically, barely spoken a word at either service. He'd barely spoken in the days since, interacting with others as little as work required, taking meals in his quarters, and avoiding company in his off hours. Rodney's silence, to Sheppard's mind, gave McKay and Saera yet another thing in common, but the physicist refused to even see the girl.

So she didn't give him a choice.

~ * @ * ~

"Oh," Rodney said upon finding Saera standing in the doorway to the lab. "Um, I'm kind of busy today," he told her, turning back to the device he was studying, one of a pile strewn along the desk. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, and spun back around.

Ten-year-old Saera was holding one of the devices. She was still in the doorway, and Rodney was almost positive she hadn't moved from the spot.

She'd used telekinetic power, he was almost certain. Power not unlike that which he himself had borne not so long ago. That sick feeling was back in his stomach, and it had brought an entire army with.

Then Rodney noticed that the device was on.

She has the ATA gene?? was all he had a chance to think before the device made an alarming beeping sound. He hurried over to the child and snatched the item from her hands, willing it to turn off -- which, thankfully, it did almost immediately. Hands shaking, he lay the object down carefully on a counter. He turned back to Saera and grabbed her by the upper arms. "What have I always told you?! Don't. Touch. Anything! You realise you could been blown up just now?!" He shook her once for emphasis.

At the shocked and tearful look in her eyes, Rodney immediately regretted his harshness. He realised he was probably bruising her, he was holding her arms so tight. He let go -- and she immediately ran off.

"Saera, wait! I'm sorry!" he cried, following after, but someone chose just then to come running around the corner and careen into him. Rodney's skull connected with the wall behind him, and all went dark.

~ * @ * ~

"Hey, pal!" John said soothingly when Rodney finally opened his eyes.

Shep had been in the infirmary, checking on a wounded marine when the call came in that Rodney had been hurt. He'd rushed down with Keller, the new head of the medical team, to make sure his friend was all right; happily, all Rodney had suffered was a moderate concussion and a bruised elbow. Slightly irrationally, he admitted to himself later, Sheppard had assigned the poor marine who'd knocked the physicist over with KP duty for a month.

"Saera!" Rodney gasped, eyes wide. He grabbed Sheppard's arm, the strength of the scientist's grip surprising John. "Where's Saera?!" he asked, panicked, as he tried to sit up.

"Whoa, easy there, Rodney!" John insisted, gently pushing the man back against the bed by the shoulder. "What do you mean, 'Where's Saera'?"

Rodney's eyes unfocused for a moment; John thought he was going to pass out. "Hey!" he said gently, laying a hand on Rodney's face and gently turning his head to look him in the eye. "Stay with me here, buddy! Now what happened?" He removed his hand, suddenly self-conscious.

McKay squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed hard with the visible effort of calming himself. "I-I scared her," he confessed. "She ..." He looked up at Sheppard in shock. "She used ... telepathy ... to grab an Ancient device from across the room!"

It was Sheppard's turn to be shocked. "She what?!"

"Used telepathy!" Rodney reiterated, though he sounded a bit disbelieving himself. "And that's not all!" he added, sitting up quickly. He swooned; John caught him and lay him gently back against his pillow. "She's got the ATA gene," Rodney continued weakly.

"What? Rodney, that's not possible -- the Athosians don't have the ATA gene!"

"Ilya said Saera's not Athosian, though. They found her on another world --"

"Yeah, but wouldn't Carson have discovered that when he did her bloodwork?" Sheppard was immediately sorry he'd said anything, Rodney looking pained at the mention of their late friend's name.

"Not if he wasn't looking for it -- I think he was more concerned with making sure all the kids were healthy than whether they had the ATA gene," Rodney reasoned, no trace of snark in his tone, only weariness. "At any rate, Saera accidentally turned on the device, and she couldn't have done that without the gene. I'm not sure what the device is supposed to do, but i-it started ... beeping. Like a bomb, you know? And after what happened to-to Beckett, I ... I panicked. I grabbed it from her and turned it off, and then I ... I-I grabbed her and I ... I yelled at her. And ... then she ran off." he finished miserably.

John squeezed Rodney's shoulder, offering reassurance that he didn't feel himself. Rodney's accident was hours past; Saera could be anywhere! "Well find her," Shep promised, praying the little girl wasn't about to make a liar out of him.

~ * @ * ~

"Well, that explains this, then," Ronon said, holding up Saera's coin necklace to John. It being their day off, Ronon had, at Sheppard's insistence, accompanied a group of Marines to the mainland for a game of paintball. Upon arriving back at the city, Ronon had discovered the necklace on the floor, in the back of the 'Jumper. "I guess she just wanted to get as far away from here as possible," Ronon guessed. "I mean, it's not like anyone would have let her through the 'Gate."

John nodded, sighing. "Come on, take me back to where you guys were playing paintball; we need to find that little girl before Rodney crawls out of the infirmary to look for her himself ...."

~ Chapter Nine: Findings ~

(Author's note: Spoilers for the season 3 eps "Tao of Rodney" and "Sunday" in this chapter ....)

~ * @ * ~

"This is not good," Keller said, shaking her head as she continued to examine the sleeping Saera. Rodney had fallen asleep just before they'd brought the child in, and Keller decided that it was probably for the best; the brainwave monitor would alert her if he was in danger of slipping into a coma because of his head injury, which she doubted anyway. For now, he could use the rest, at least until she was done with Saera.

Ronon had found the child unconscious, facedown at the base of a tall tree, her right leg broken to the point where it had come through the skin. Her arm had also been grotesquely swollen; Sheppard had correctly suspected a fracture. They suspected she'd climbed a tree to get her bearings, since the Puddle 'jumper hadn't taken her to the old Athosian encampment, and that a branch had broken beneath her (albeit slight) weight. Doubtless she'd hit a few other branches on the way down.

Even Ronon looked pale as Keller and her team set the bones.

"She has a fever; that's not unusual with this kind of injury," the doctor added. "But her abdomen's swollen. Could be internal bleeding, could be something else. What really has me puzzled are these readings." She pointed to the brainwave scanner. "She has a concussion, she's definitely unconscious -- yet her brain activity is off the charts! I've never seen anything like this!"

"I have," Sheppard said grimly. "Rodney had numbers like that when he was under the influence of the, ah, Ascend-o-matic thingy."

Keller blinked. "You think she's Ascending?"

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't know. I read reports on how SG-1 found a genetically-enhanced being that Anubis created, one that went through the same process Rodney had, but more ... well, not naturally, exactly, but not in a way that would have killed him. McKay says she's got the gene; if he's right, could it be that she's got enough Ancient DNA that she's evolving on her own?"

"I honestly have no idea," Keller confessed. "She suffered a trauma as a child, yes? Perhaps it shocked her body into starting the process ...."

"But if she's Ascending, shouldn't her power heal her?" Ronon pointed out.

Keller shrugged again. "All I can do is test this," she said, holding up a vial of blood, "and see if it shows us anything."

~ * @ * ~

When Rodney woke again, he found Sheppard sitting in a chair beside him. He smiled for a moment, touched that the colonel would keep vigil beside him. Then his foggy mind cleared a little, and he remembered that Sheppard was supposed to have been out looking for Saera.

"Saera!" he hissed, bolting upright. The room spun, and he ended up dry-heaving over the side of the bed.

"Rodney!" Sheppard hurried to his feet and caught Rodney again before the man could dive headfirst onto the floor. Rodney took deep, shaky breaths, shivering under John's hands.

"Saera?" Rodney asked weakly.

"We found her. But ... she's in bad shape, Rodney."

"What? Where is she?" He sat upright and swooned again, biting back nausea. He opened his eyes, and saw that the bed beside his was occupied with a small, frail figure, her arm and leg in a cast, and gauze wrapped around her head. One cheek was black and blue. Her good hand had the chain of her coin necklace clasped tightly within it. Ronon and Teyla dozed in their chairs on the other side of her bed.

Rodney tried to get to his feet, swinging his legs over the side of the bed; only Sheppard's grip on his shoulders kept him from pitching to the floor.

Rodney grabbed John's arm. "Help me," he begged.

The colonel seemed about to say "no", but finally nodded, sighing. He slipped an arm around McKay, while McKay slipped his own arm over John's shoulders. His knees shook as Sheppard hoisted him to his feet. The room seemed to rock crazily, and his stomach protested again.

"It's just a few feet, Rodney," Sheppard whispered encouragingly. He paused to slide his chair into position beside Saera's bed with his foot, then lowered Rodney onto the seat.

Rodney felt like his heart was breaking into microscopic pieces -- which was no small feat, considering how much it had already been broken by the loss of Carson. Rodney could count the number of people he truly, deeply cared for on two hands -- and if anything were happen to Saera, he'd be that much closer to only needing one.

"What's wrong with her?" he whispered hoarsely, wanting to touch her and let her know he was there now -- as he hadn't been, for so long -- but half afraid he would only hurt her more.

"She, ah ... s-she fell out of a tree on the mainland," the colonel said. "She has a broken leg, a fractured wrist, a concussion, and ... and I guess this galaxy's version of leukaemia," he finished in a whisper.

Rodney spun to look at Sheppard, and this time the nausea he felt couldn't be blamed entirely on his concussion. "Wha-what?"

"Keller discovered it because of the breaks, but ... it seems it had been dormant until now, and that it's gotten very bad, very quickly -- that's one of the things about it that apparently differs from the cancers back home. I'm sorry, Rodney," he added, his voice thick now, eyes glittering. "But Keller doesn't think Saera ha ..." his voice broke. "That she has much time left," he finally managed. "A few days at most. I'm so sorry ..." He lay a hand on Rodney's shoulder, and the physicist could feel it trembling.

Rodney grabbed tight hold of Sheppard's hand, as if it were a life-line; in a way, he supposed it was exactly that. He turned back to Saera's pale, bruised face, and squeezed the colonel's hand even tighter. He let out a sob at this visible sign of her injuries, the reminder of what he had done. Like with Carson, Rodney might not have intended to cause any harm with his action, but the truth was still undeniable: Saera wouldn't be in her current state if he hadn't lost his temper and scared her.

He might as well have pushed her himself.

At first, when Sheppard had told him she was dying, he'd felt numb, unable to warp his brain around it. How could they have so little time left with her; where had the hours gone? He'd hardly seen her in months, too busy with work, then too wrapped up in his own grief.

But she'd been hurting too, hadn't she? She'd loved her Uncle Carson as much as any of them, and Rodney hadn't been there when she needed him most. And now ... soon she'd be missing from his life, just like Beckett was. It wasn't fair -- he hadn't even gotten used to the hole Carson had left in his life, his heart, and now he was to add another?

His thoughts were like cracks in a dam, finally allowing his grief to burst forth. "Oh, god, Saera! I didn't mean to get angry, I didn't! I'm sorry! So sorry!" He doubled over, mindless of the dizziness; the world would spin under such news with or without a concussion. He slipped off the chair, to his knees. He felt something wrap around him, and vaguely noted it as Sheppard's arms. The man's aftershave cut through Rodney's grief, helping him to breathe as he sobbed, against his better judgment, into the colonel's collar.

"I know, Rodney, I know. It's not fair. You just let it out. You go right ahead and scream it to the universe. It's not fair."

Rodney felt Sheppard's left hand on his back, rubbing it gently, while the colonel's right hand cradled the back of Rodney's neck. It was surprisingly soothing; he wouldn’t have thought Sheppard, a man who seemed to delight in tormenting him, could be so comforting. And then Rodney felt a wetness trail down his scalp, and knew, distantly, that Sheppard was finally crying too.
~ * @ * ~

The next thing Rodney knew, he was back in his infirmary bed; he must have cried himself to sleep. He tried not to think about how Sheppard must have carried him to the bed and tucked him in like a child -- how embarrassing! He looked about groggily and found the colonel, Ronon, and Teyla gathered around Saera's bed, talking quietly to Dr Keller.

"Ronon's right, I just don't get it," Sheppard was saying. "When McKay was Ascending, he had all sorts of cool powers! He could heal! So why is Saera still sick?"

"I didn't see Saera at all when I was Ascending," Rodney said groggily, sitting up. The world wasn't spinning this time -- at least not because of the bump on his head. "If I had, of course I would have felt she was sick and healed her!"

"Oh. Ah, Rodney," Sheppard began, "there's something about Saera's condition that I kinda forgot to mention earlier ...."

Rodney's feet hit the floor with a thud. "You mean there's something else wrong with her?!" he asked incredulously.

"Well, I guess that depends on how you look at it," John hedged. "You remember how you said Sarah used telekinesis in the lab?"

He'd forgotten! How could he forget that? "Yeah ..."

"Well, Dr Keller here's been comparing Saera's bloodwork and vitals to yours from when you were Ascending and ... and we think she's Ascending herself. That she has been, in fact, for a while now."

Rodney gaped. "That's great! When she completes the process, she can become human again!" He laughed triumphantly, but cut himself off when he saw his friends look away furtively. "Okay, why aren't you all happy about this?"

"Because it's not going well," Keller said frankly. "I think that the cancer is actually interfering with the process."

"What? That's ridiculous!" Rodney snapped. "... Isn't it?" he asked uncertainly.

"Apparently not. Cancer is a type of mutation and so is Ascension -- it's like they're at odds with each other. And it doesn't help that the cancer was indirectly caused by the ATA gene in the first place -- I suspect that Saera didn't come by the gene naturally," Keller explained. "Sometimes, when in vivio retroviral gene therapy is performed, leukaemia is a result."

"But who would have given her the retrovirus?" Sheppard asked. "Beckett?"

"Carson would never have experimented on a little girl!" Rodney snapped.

Sheppard had the decency to look contrite.

"There are no records of his having tried it on anyone but the expedition members," Keller assured them. "Besides, Beckett's gene therapy might not have always been successful, but he did refine the process to the point where it wasn't dangerous in that way."

Teyla suddenly looked ill. "Perhaps it was the Wraith? They have conducted genetic experiments on my own people, after all ...."

Rodney grew pale. "That makes perfect sense -- trying to create ATA-carriers so they could use Ancient technology and take over Atlantis ...."

"But why would they let her go?" Sheppard asked, perplexed. "I mean, it obviously worked ...."

"I don't think they did let her go," Ronon responded. Everyone looked to him expectantly, which in turn seemed to unsettle him for a moment. Rodney remembered the Satedan being surprised when Weir looked to him for his opinion for the first time, and felt sorry for the man. It seemed Ronon still wasn't used to having his mind respected just as much as his brawn was. Despite his own penchant for calling Ronon a Neanderthal, McKay had come to realise early on that the man was far, far brighter than his primal appearance suggested; Rodney made a mental note to be more encouraging to Ronon in the future ...

"I think she and her parents were all captives," the Satedan finally elaborated. "They escaped somehow, but the Wraith caught back up to them and killed her parents. Obviously they didn't find Saera, though."

Sheppard nodded.

"It does sound quite plausible," Teyla said.

Ronon let out a puff of annoyance, crossing his arms. "Of course it does -- it's the only explanation that makes any sense!"

"I agree," McKay said, eliciting a startled glance out of the corner of the Satedan's eye. Definitely have some work to do on Ronon's self esteem, Rodney thought, the irony eluding him.

"So ... do you think the Wraith have other prisoners with the ATA gene?" Sheppard asked, looking more than a little nervous.

"I don't think so," Keller said, not looking too thrilled herself. "I mean, look at Beckett's success rate--" Rodney winced, but Keller went on, oblivious, "--only forty-eight percent, and at least no one has gotten luekaemia from the therapy. I'm thinking Saera was probably the closest success they had, or we would have been overrun with Wraith a while ago."

Rodney hoped she was right, but the way things had been going, he added the possibility that their enemy could now access Ancient technology to his already long list of worries. Then a thought occurred to him. "Leukaemia?"

Keller nodded. "Well, something that works very similarly, yes."

Rodney stood up, swaying only a little. Sheppard jumped to his feet as well, hands held out, ready to catch him. Rodney flashed him a half-hearted, appreciative smile.

"Rodney," the colonel said warningly.

"Look, I need to see Katie Brown. Last I talked to her ..." He blanched at the memory: that had been the day Carson had been killed. "Last I saw her, she was growing ferns that she said might cure leukaemia. Maybe she can help."

"Oh, McKay ..." Keller said pityingly, "it could take years, decades even, for her to work out the cure! Saera's ... well, she's only got two or three days at best."

Rodney felt Keller's bedside manner could really use some work. "Is it going to kill Saera for me to ask Katie what kind of progress she's made?"

Keller only lowered her eyes, lips pursed.

"I didn't think so," Rodney said, scowling. "Maybe you can sit around watching a little girl die without doing anything about it, but I can't!" And with that, he turned for the door, stumbling only slightly, his resolve seeping into every part of him, giving him the strength to overcome the concussion -- and his own grief.

"Rodney," Sheppard said worriedly, rising to his own feet, "are you sure you're up to walking yet?"

Rodney paused at the door. "I have to be."

~ * @ * ~

(Author's note: The reference to Rodney Ascending is from the third season ep "Tao of Rodney", in which an Ancient device altered his DNA and caused him to start on the path to Ascension unnaturally. The fear was that he might die instead of Ascend, which apparently was what happened to most of the Ancients who used the device. Sheppard tried to help McKay reach the meditative state necessary to Ascend .... Now, for those interested in the writing process and the research that goes into this sort of thing: I had a vague notion when I started writing that Saera would: turn out to have the ATA gene; run away; get mortally hurt; and try to Ascend, but I hadn't decided the specifics at that point. When I looked up info on the ATA gene, to explain why Saera had the gene in the first place -- things like who was born with the gene and how the gene therapy worked -- I discovered that the process for real-life gene therapy has been known to sometimes cause leukaemia. And since Katie Brown had said she was working on a cure for leukaemia in "Sunday" ... voila! A plot point is born ...)

~ Chapter Ten: Holding on to Hope ~

(Author's note: Contains small references to the first season episodes "Hide and Seek", "38 Minutes", and "The Brotherhood". Contains spoilers for the season one episode "The Defiant One", the season two episode "Duet", and further spoilers for the season three episode "Sunday"....)

~ * @ * ~

Keller made Sheppard promise to bring Rodney straight back to the infirmary if the man showed signs of dizziness or nausea again. Despite his promise, though, when Rodney swayed a little now and then as they made their way to Katie's quarters, John decided to turn a blind eye. He understood that McKay had to try this, and wouldn't rest until he had. It was one of the things Sheppard liked best about the man, really.

"I just hope she'll talk to me," Rodney fretted.

"Why wouldn't she?" John asked, although when he thought about it, that was a stupid question. McKay was a pro at offending and alienating people, after all.

"Well, when I last saw her ... we kinda talked about marriage before I had to cut and run because ... well, because of the explosion ..." He winced.

"Yeah," Sheppard nodded, then did a double-take. "Wait, marriage?"

Rodney sighed heavily. "I told her that seeing my sister made me think about how I'd like to settle down someday too -- and then I had to go and say not with her, necessarily. Not yet. But maybe someday. Ugh, it was all very awkward. And I haven't seen her since, e-except in passing at ... at the memorial. But I'd already kind of ignored her after the whole Cadman ordeal -- I'm not sure she'll forgive me for ignoring her this time, you know?"

Sheppard felt oddly tense for no fathomable reason as he asked the next question. "So ... are you serious about her? I mean, not that you wanna marry her right now, but ... you want to take it to the next level and see where it goes?"

Rodney slowed his pace a moment. "You know, I'm not even sure. I thought I did, and she's a sweet girl and everything, but ... what if I only wanted to be with her because I can't believe anyone else would have me?" he added ruefully. John felt a sharp stab of pity and would have protested, but Rodney wasn't done talking. "I mean, if I .. love her, why have I let so much time go by -- twice -- without seeing her?" A look of anger passed over his features. "God, I can't believe I'm even worrying about that right now. No, wait, I can -- there's a reason I'm constantly accused of being a selfish bastard, right?"

Again, John would have protested, but they were at their destination, and Rodney was pounding somewhat frantically on the door.

"Katie! It's me, Rodney! I need to talk to you; it's very important," Rodney told the botanist when she opened the door stepping in without even waiting to be invited. John gave her an apologetic look as he followed McKay into the room.

"Uh, sure, Rodney, what's on your mind?" Katie said, thankfully not seeming even slightly irritated.

Sheppard mused that she was well-used to this sort of behavior then, as anyone who really knew Rodney had to be. Then he realised her familiarity with McKay bothered him, but he couldn't say why. It wasn't like McKay had kept his seeing Katie a secret -- far from it, really ... but the notion of them getting together just seemed all wrong somehow. John shoved the thought aside; it wasn't his place to make judgments like that, and this wasn't the time for that line of thinking anyway.

"Your work on the cure for leukaemia -- how far have you gotten?" Rodney asked Katie anxiously.

Katie scowled in confusion. "I guess that depends on your definition of 'far'," she said. "Why?"

"It's Saera," he said, as he began to pace. He swayed dizzily.

Sheppard caught him by the shoulders and led him to a couch. "I think maybe you should keep the walking to a minimum there, McKay," he admonished gently, sitting on the arm of the couch, beside his friend.

"What's wrong with him?" Katie asked, sitting beside Rodney and brushing hair from his brow. "He's burning up!"

"He has a concussion," Sheppard explained, "and he's probably over-exerted himself in coming down he--"

"Yes, yes, I'm far more concerned about Saera right now," Rodney snapped.

"What's wrong with Sae--" Katie's eyes flew open wide, and she covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh! Oh no! That sweet little girl? Rodney, I'm so sorry!"

Rodney closed his eyes, all the hope visibly draining from him. "I take it that means you're nowhere near a cure?"

Sheppard lay a hand on McKay's shoulder and kept it there, hoping to lend strength. Rodney granted him a small, grateful smile; once again, John realised that he himself needed the contact, the support, as much as Rodney probably did.

Katie shook her head sadly. "Rodney, it will likely take years to discern the exact treatment to use and its side-effects -- much less whether it will even work at all! At this point, we're not even sure how best to administer it -- orally, intravenously, as something to be inhaled ... And for all we know, it could cause as many problems as it solves -- it could cure the leukaemia only to give her some other disease!"

Rodney got to his feet and paced some more. "So you wont even try? Despite the fact that she'll die for sure if we don't?"

Katie sighed. "We can try, but ... I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

"We'll, it's not like they can fall any farther than they already are ...."

~ * @ * ~

"Rodney, this doesn't look like the way to the infirmary," Sheppard pointed out. He was shocked to find he was actually having a little trouble keeping up with McKay, despite the man's injury.

"You heard Katie; she doesn’t think the fern will work. And frankly, while I'm willing to try anything ... well, you know how I feel about medicine. So I figure it's best to have a contingency," Rodney explained. "I mean, we're in the city of the Ancients, and we know they have a gene-altering device: there has to be a way to use it to save Saera!"

Sheppard faltered, then hurried his steps to catch back up to the physicist. "Rodney ... correct me if I'm wrong, but didn’t the device require a DNA sample from before you started Ascending in order to put you back to normal? We don’t have anything like that for Saera, remember?"

McKay stopped, and Sheppard almost walked right into him. Rodney wouldn’t meet his eyes. "I'm hoping that ... well, that maybe there's another way we can use it."

This didn't bode well, to John's mind. "Rodney," he said as gently as he could, "even when you had the extra smarts while you were Ascending, you couldn’t find any other way to use it ...."

Rodney finally looked him in the eye; the desperation John saw looking back at him frightened him. "Do you remember when I asked you what to give Saera from the tooth fairy?" Rodney asked.

John nodded warily.

"And you made that comment about me overcomplicating things?"

Sheppard scowled. "Rodney, I--"

"You were right. And that's why I need your help now. I need you to help me see the things I might overlook; I can't afford to miss anything right now!"

"Rodney, you're not well yourself! You should be resting!" John tried to make it sound like an order -- he was usually so good at scaring Rodney into doing what needed to be done that way -- but this time he just couldn’t keep the note of concern from his voice, and it came out more far more pleadingly than he'd intended.

"Do you think her cancer will take a rest?" There was none of Rodney's typical condensation in his voice, just a weary rhetorical question.

John would have given anything at that moment to have McKay's usual, grating self back.

Sheppard grudgingly agreed to help; there was no way in hell he would leave Rodney alone at a time like this. Not that there was much Sheppard could do, other than be a sounding board for McKay's thoughts -- and not a particularly effective one, since he didn’t understand the more technical terms. John might have been smart enough to join Mensa if he'd wanted, but that didn’t mean he knew much about science beyond what a pilot knows in order to fly. Still, McKay seemed pleased that, when he did have to explain things, John picked it up fairly quickly and even offered an idea now and then. John tried not to acknowledge the small part of him that was pleased whenever Rodney praised him.

They spent hours like that, until Rodney finally slumped in an exhausted heap over his laptop. Not wanting McKay to make the trek back to the infirmary, or even his quarters, only to repeat the march the next day, Sheppard requested that a couple of bedrolls be brought to them (he wasn't about to leave McKay in order to fetch them himself). Thankfully, McKay was too out of it to protest when John settled him in one of them.

"No! Kolya, please, don't ..." Rodney muttered, shivering in his sleep.

Feeling a stab of pity, John instinctually reached out a hand to smooth Rodney's brow, much as Katie had done just hours past. The man's skin was burning hot; John wondered momentarily if he should just have Rodney carted off to the infirmary after all. But short of strapping McKay down or sedating him, they'd never keep him from coming back here -- and if they did restrain or sedate him, and Saera died, McKay would never forgive them. Hell, if it came down to that, John would never forgive himself, either!

As Rodney let out a whimper, head tossing, eyes fluttering, and brow beaded with sweat, John wondered sadly how often McKay had nightmares of the horrors they had seen in the Pegasus galaxy -- and what exactly they entailed, compared to his own. John also wondered if Rodney's shivering was the fever at work, or if McKay was maybe remembering being held by Kolya at gunpoint in the freezing rain.

Sometimes John felt as though Rodney were still something of a boy, innocent and unused to the constant threat of death. He supposed it had something to do with Rodney's childhood -- or rather, the seeming lack thereof. Since McKay was a member of Sheppard's team, John had access to McKay's personnel file; between things he'd read in that file and other things that Rodney himself had said in passing, Sheppard thought he was starting to put together a pretty clear picture of the man's mental make-up. For one thing, in Sheppar

Little Wonders A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic by Wolfen Moondaughter

Little Wonders
A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic by
Wolfen Moondaughter